Take care of yourselves and eachother…

Joseph Blackstone Dempsey II passed away at 12:30am 04-07-2011

He, as most of you know, was my very best friend and, for all intents and purposes, my brother… and more than upset and in tears, as I am sure I will be when it really hits me, I am just mad… no… not mad… I am FUCKING PISSED! In so many ways this should have never happened… now we have to live without him in our lives and it’s not fucking fair… I, however, also blame Joe… having grown up without his father around, knowing how hard that makes things for a kid, he still chose to end his life… yes, here’s the rub… You wanted to know what happened, why he is gone, why are we grieving for his passing… He committed a very long and painful suicide… He quite literally drank himself to death. His actual death came from erosion of the esophagus which caused blood flow problems which caused his organs to systematically shut down. And here we were, for the past year, thinking that he would die because of liver failure, which he was well on his way to.

Do you think I’m being harsh? Really? Maybe so, but let me fill ya in… Yes I am fucking pissed, and that will change in time… but it is how I feel right now and I have every right to… I loved him like he was my blood, and a piece of me is dead inside for having lost him… I will NEVER be the same…

I suppose one of the things that bother me the most is that I had no clue it had gotten so bad until about a year ago when he ended up in the hospital due to his extreme jaundice caused by his liver going bad. That’s when he told everyone how much he had been drinking and for how long. He’d been hiding it for years. I thought I knew him better than anyone… I was wrong!

We all tried to help him, he went to rehab a couple of times… he said he was going to AA, though, I don’t know how many meetings he actually went to… he wanted to die and there was no way that any of our interventions were going to make a difference. The Joe that we all knew and loved died a little more than a year ago… the Joe that existed over this last year was one that we could not trust or get through to, one that went out of his way to hurt those around him, one that thought only of himself and not of the wake of destruction that he was leaving behind him… I left him behind, I couldn’t help him, so I left him to do what he felt he had to. I couldn’t go see him at the hospital in his final hours… I didn’t want to see what had become of my brother… and even when the services are scheduled and people gather in memory of our friend, I will not be there… I cannot be there… I am full of rage and anger for those who I feel drove him to the point that he thought he had to die and, to me, that is UNFORGIVABLE!

I am going to do the only thing that I think the Joe that I loved would want me to do, and that is… I am going to be there in every way that I can for his kids. As they get older and ask about their father, I will tell them of the kind, loving soul that he was… I will tell them of all the good times that he and I had… I will tell them of the awkward 10 year old in a full leg cast in 4th grade that became a life long friend to me… a friend that I would have laid down my life for…

His wife Carrie has been a friend of mine since high school, we knew each other before they had even met… she has had a rough year dealing with the inevitable result of his downward spiral… I will be there for her as well…

You see, for years I felt that Joe had taken the path that I should have… and by that, I mean… He was always the one with the steady job and promotions to supervisor and/or manager. He was the one who seemed to have his shit together while I was off “chasing the dream” and hopping from one job to the next, and often, one couch to the next… He had married a wonderful woman and seemed so happy… they had a beautiful home in Cheval (North Tampa), and after some failed attempts, they were blessed with a pregnancy and the eventual arrival of beautiful twins (Chad and Megan) who are now 5 years old. He had the life that I so desperately wanted to have, or so I thought… I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why… or how someone can take their own life…

I live with a good deal of pain every day, I battle bouts of depression on a fairly regular basis… I hate where my life is and what I have done to my body and what it has in turn done to me. My dreams have been all but shattered, but… I am not going to kill myself… though it seems that it would be so much easier to not be living THIS life… I will not allow myself to hurt the ones around me, that love me, that would do anything for me… I simply cannot do it… I am trying to make myself better, and I am going to try and recapture my dreams and live a life that serves to make me and those around me happy… sayings are only cliche because they are said over and over… they are said over and over because there is at least some truth to them… and here is one… life is too short to be unhappy with where or who you are…

I know that there may be more questions that you might have about the circumstances surrounding Joe and his death… I wish I could enlighten you more, but, I just can’t do it… I appreciate all of the support and love that you’re sending, and for those of you who do go to any services that may be offered in his memory, please, understand that I WILL NOT be there in person… but my heart, and the part of it that has died will be there with Joe and the people that truly loved him… I am not ready to talk about this, and while I appreciate your attempts to call me to talk, I can’t be that person right now, I hope you understand…

Goodbye my friend… you will be missed…

Well… this is the first time I’ve used the app on my droid to post a blog… it’ll likely be a stripped down version..

So, I had a really good conversation with a very old friend of mine last night. She’s going through a bit of a rough spot right now. We have known each other since we were 4 years old, and I think we are in a unique position tooffer support and understanding to each other. We “get” what each other is about… with some of the conversation last night, I feel as though a weight has been lifted… it’s a good thing

Maybe it’s true that things happen for a reason and people come in and out of your life at key points…

I’m actually sitting in a parking garage at the hospital while my Memere is undergoing a stress test for her heart. I really hope that we can get a bead on her health issues… she’s been in and out of the hospital on a fairly regular basis over the past year.

Cutting this a bit short, but I’ll likely post again from home later… before or after my St. Patrick’s day drunken festivities… I really don’t see myself posting from my phone on a regular basis…

Until next time… take care of yourselves and each other…

Every day is a chance to turn it all around…

WHO doesn’t love some HOOTERS now and then…? Okay, I know, not EVERYONE likes Hooters… but, for those of you who do, you may be able to relate to becoming addicted to the wings. I have been having a weird craving for Hooters wings for the past 4 weeks… I don’t mind rewarding myself, once a week, with an order of wings as a meal, but, this has been crazy. I’ve gotten Hooters way too much lately… gotta take a break. If you were wondering, no, I don’t go to Hooters to eat and stare at the waitresses, I pick up the wings to go… C’mon, you know where I work.. Do I really need to gawk at fully clothed, often not all that attractive, waitresses that amount to not much more than your typical bitchy prick tease? Sorry if that’s a bit crude, but that’s what it is all too often…

"If you weren't tipping me, I would totally NOT talk to you!!"

But, you know what, all that aside, they have some killer fucking wings!! I suggest the following order:
10 medium (all flappers) side of blue cheese dressing, side of TMI (Three Mile Island) sauce…

Open the blue cheese, add about 1/3 of the TMI to it and mix… the heat of the new TMI blue cheese and the medium wings is a perfect balance of heat and flavor… my mouth is watering thinking of it. Yes, it’s not the most healthy meal, but, you only live once… enjoy an unhealthy meal from time to time… MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION…

Plans are for shit… really… who are we to assume that we’ll even be around long enough to fulfill our plans? I hope I’ll be around to get all that I want to do done, but, it occurred to me while staring at a picture on my wall of John Lennon… “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”… do you think that though came to him on the steps of The Dakota? I’ve decided to take the approach of “Life Happens”… Just go with it…

Yes, have goals, sure, make plans… but not at the expense of the moment and the ability to love and be loved and LIVE a life that is fulfilling to you… Be happy, as often as you can, be truly happy… If you’re not, find a way and set a goal and make a plan… Just get there…

I’m outta here for the moment… got shtuff to do!!

Yes, I said shtuff… think about it… Until next time, take care of yourself and each other…

Every day is another chance to turn it all around…

Anyway… I was working like 6 days a week at the other club, and I have already, in two shifts, made more money than my entire stay at the other club… yeah, that big of a difference. This club is also much closer to my house, that’s definitely a selling point for me too, driving the beast of a van that I do! Now with my schedule being what it is, I have 3 days off and I fully intend on maximizing my bike rides and other business. I am still hoping that I can get my business off the ground. So far it’s been, hurry up and wait. I have a couple clients lined up, one of which I’ve got mostly all the work done, just waiting for the go ahead to complete the order. To say that I am antsy to get that first “actual” job done, is the understatement of the century… okay, that’s a bit overboard, but, you catch my drift. Even though it’s for a friend and his new business, it is still my first paying job as a designer/printer, and it’s bringing me into a new area with the business forms such as quote sheets and invoices. I’ve enjoyed the whole process really.

The REVolution in creative MULTIMEDIA solutions!

Please, if you would be so kind, pass the word along about my company. I own and operate it myself and I have exactly NO BUDGET when it comes to marketing myself, besides social networking and word of mouth. I offer a myriad of services. Rev Multimedia is your solution for:

• Photo Retouch, Restoration, & Custom Creations
• Slide & Negative To Digital Image Conversion
• Logo Design
• Print Media Design & Layout
• Bulk Printing
• Promotional Video Flyer Creation
• MMS Promotions
• Full Production Voice Over Service
• **Coming Soon** Audio Forensic Services

I am hoping to eventually make this my full time business, and, with a little help from my friends, I’m sure this will come to be… Meanwhile, as the pole turns, I will be living two lives, the one I have to and the one I want to… I have to admit, things could be a lot worse…

Until next time… take care of yourselves and each other… and, as always…

Every day is a chance to turn it all around…

www.IRBCycles.com

Okay… so I haven’t stuck to the daily blog thing yet… but, I swear, as of today… that changes…

I’ve been a bit tied up with stuff over the past couple days… My Memere (grandmother, pronounced MEM-MAY) went to Countryside Hospital to have a pacemaker put in. She was having a lot of trouble with going into A-Fib… so, hopefully, this should take care of that and we should have less visits to the E.R..

I brought my bicycle to her apartment and stayed the night to make sure she was going to be okay. I had planned on taking a good ride this morning, but, forgot my sneakers and only had flip flops; not very comfortable on the bike. Also, I only had a pair of shorts, not my riding clothes.. duh! The shorts are comfortable enough, but, on the bike they tend to ride up and become uncomfortable… Anyway, needless to say, my ride was not nearly as long as I had hoped. I biked up to the Hess station and got a chicken ceasar wrap for lunch…

As you likely noticed by the title and the image, I am plugging one of my friends’ business. Adam is the one that I bought my bicycle from, and though I can’t always make it down to his shop when I need something bike related, I do when I can. He is very fair with his pricing and does excellent work with customizations, repair, and maintenance. Indian Rocks Beach Cycles, located on the corner of Walsingham and Gulf Blvd in Indian Rocks Beach… Check them out for all your bicycle needs. They also rent bikes and scooters if you’re visiting the area or just going out for a day out.

so… I am off for now… I will check back in tomorrow… with much more to say, I’m sure…

EVERY DAY IS ANOTHER CHANCE TO TURN IT ALL AROUND…

Today I return to good old habits and create new ones as well…

This will be, at the very least, a daily blog. I need the journal to help me stay on course and keep in touch with those who may fall by the wayside as I make these additional changes in my life. Having the advantage of hindsight and its annoyingly noted clarity, the path is familiar though revisited and revised… I have a new approach, outlook, and set of expectations. And while the goal, in many ways, is the same, it has been augmented and the focus has intensified…

• Vitamins… Check!
• Water… Check!
• Bicycle… Check!
• Attitude… Check!

I’m beyond ready to get on my way. Though the road is long, I am determined to forge ahead, eyes on my goal, but without blinders… after all, life is all about the scenery, right?

The only part of my old blog that is making it for this new journey is this…

Every day is a chance to turn it all around